My friend forwarded me a
commencement speech given by Steve Jobs at Stanford. I didn't read it until I got home from work.
And several lines struck a chord with me:
"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle"
I had my performance review with my MD at work today. And I decided to let him get a sense of the frustration that I have been feeling recently.
Being female, and in banking, I have been tagged with being aggressive, potentially dominant/domineering in a relationship, unmarriageable for as long as I stay in banking, and not-girlfriend-material. So the rewards must be high for the girl who chooses a career in investment banking.
And it is for me. I belong in the class of people who find routine boring, thrives on challenges, change, pressure, deadlines. And unfortunately, a great part of my self worth and esteem is predicated upon work-related achievements. A 9-5 job would be a death-sentence.
But the reality is... there is a work/life joy/misery balance.
No doubt about it, even though I love to hate the job, more often than not, I like the job. You could almost say I love it. There is no other corporate job that I'd rather be doing. The job gives me satisfaction -- it provides variety, scope for thinking, and some intellectual challenge (yes, although most of it is monkey work, there is sometimes scope for intellectual challenge. -- it may seem terribly geeky to the outsider, but we sometimes have animated discussions about comps adjustments, pensions accounting over dinner. In fact, just today, my senior was challenging the use of DCF as a valuation tool)
But the fact is, I'm getting progressively more miserable in my personal life every day. It's not helping that almost everyone I know will be leaving soon. A regular job will be completely frustrating, but maybe I'll have time to stand and stare, breathe in the smell of freshly cut grass, and fall in love.
It's not really so much the long hours that I mind, the unpredictability of the hours, or the pressure or stress at work. What bugs me is that society is rejecting me, penalising me for doing what I love. Despite the working hours, I know I have enough life and energy for love and a boy, to be in love, to laugh, and share the starry skies with someone. In fact, the lack thereof is sapping my life away. The problem is, most boys want a solid, down to earth, flesh and blood girlfriend who will always be there for them to hold. I want to love and be loved, but I also want to do what I love. But it seems like the two are mutually exclusive. And I'm getting frustrated with that.
As the days pass, I'm thinking that the swinging single independent girl thing is completely over-rated. And almost daily, as I face my Excel spreadsheet, run another share price graph, compile yet another presentation, do yet another DCF, I have these scary, crazy fantasies of just upping and marrying someone and spending the rest of my life as a lady of leisure.
I will eventually seek work fulfilment, I know, when the relationship hits a plateau. And sans work, my relationship bliss will not last long.
But the fact is, right now, I'm veering dangerously towards misery and demotivation. The question is, when do the scales tip?
Coming home, and reading the commencement speech on my Blackberry fanned the dying embers of hope and faith in my heart. Faith that what I am doing is right, that I should hold on to what I believe in, love. And hope that tomorrow will be a better day ("Auspicium melioris aevi").
Other lines that struck a chord:
"So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
"Stay hungry. Stay foolish."
